The “artist” who went to a $50,000/year university and lives in a Williamsburg loft on his parents dime. The kicker? He judges you for all the ways in which you attempt to save money in NYC. He will also constantly complain about his lack of money, even though he is receiving a steady influx, whatever amount, from mom and dad. He is probably trying to grow a beard but it’s coming in patchy.
The Frat Guy
He thinks and acts like he’s still in college… also known as the investment banker. He can be seen bro-ing out at rooftop parties, Hoboken, and lounging at the Hamptons time share he enjoys with fellow investment bankers/Alpha Delta Phi brothers.
The “New Yorker”
The guy who says he’s a New Yorker but is from Long Island. Or worse, Staten Island, which is technically NYC but like… No. Or worse, the bridge & tunnel Jersey boy who takes the train in on Saturday nights, because he just can’t get enough of the SICK DRINKS AND BEATS at 13th Step. Gag.
The Disappearing Act
The guy who is super great, super into you, and then one day falls off the face of the planet and is never heard from again. This is especially traumatizing for anyone who has seen the episode of Sex & the City, when this happens to Miranda and it turns out that the guy actually DIED.
He (thinks he) knows everything about everything, whether it be the alcohol content and chemical makeup of the kombucha you just bought at Whole Foods, or the best way for you to get home this evening based on MTA delays. This guy is usually fresh out of the liberal arts/grad school circuit and will expect you to be thoroughly impressed by him: especially by the fact that he can, without prompt, quote Kant and Proust verbatim.
The tourist. Spot the guy with a scarf. Though, let’s be real, that could also be a #6 (see above). Additional tourist giveaways include a consistently confused yet creepy stare, an inability to walk the streets at an appropriate pace, and the cloud of Vince Camuto Homme left behind when he walks away in his butt-hugging designer jeans.
The Nice Guy
He just moved here and is getting the shit kicked out of him every single day. He got a great job out of college and couldn’t wait to make the big move with his buddies, but everything is going wrong. He just can’t figure it out. However, it doesn’t make him love the city any less, and his balance of despair and euphoria is quite an interesting one to observe. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome: the more he hates the place, the more sentimentally attached he becomes. NYC is the abuser he just can’t leave.
The Actual New Yorker
The guy who actually is a New Yorker and is not afraid to remind you. And remind you. He’ll be the first to tell you about the bars into which he and his fellow gritty, native city kids snuck as under-agers, the spot in Central Park where he got his first citation for an open container, and of course how great the “real New York”– a version of the city that existed and expired way before you got here– was.
By: Shayna Schmidt
Cover Photo:via imgkid