Sam’s iPhone 6 Fury!!

 

By Samantha B********A

On Friday, September 19th 2014, I Samantha B********A ( I don’t want stalkers ) ventured out for the iPhone 6, and it was one of the worst ideas I’ve ever had. Waking at 4:30 AM was exhilarating and dreadful all at the same time. I will admit that I was excited for the adventure in store – to be apart of a big day for Apple and meet some fellow techies.

Because I had to wake up so early, I took a cab across town to the 67th and Broadway location. Upon my 4:50 AM arrival, my cabbie dropped me off where I had joined the end of the line last year (for the stupid iphone 5s) – that was a big mistake. While searching for the end of the line (which seemed like eternity) I noticed this year was incredibly different than the last. I realized I was the minority, and my fellow cool techies were practically NO SHOWS.

The amount of people waiting was ungodly and it just happened to also be the Upper West Sides trash day. OF FREAKING COURSE. The smell was unbearable. I truly believe that the only streak of luck I experienced that day, was not being stuck by the piles of endless trash bags (well, for too long anyway). Although I’ve never been to SKID ROW, I imagined this was the closest thing to it. Most people in line looked like exhausted meth addicts looking to scratch their itch. For the first time ever, I became thankful for the pepper spray on my key chain <- Thanks Dad. I mean, I witnessed entire families magically appear out of blankets, cardboard shanties and beds. I was astounded and terrified all at once. In reality, the beautiful UWS streets had been destroyed and covered in newspapers, people, trash and food.

After finally finding the end of line, I plopped my lawn chair down and tried to go back to sleep. I knew I needed rest to conquer this day. Within minutes of curling up in my snuggie, the line started moving! I felt a sense of relief. The line movement helped my optimism until it was continuous for the next 2 and a half hours. I found myself on three different blocks and at one point standing in the middle of the street. You would of thought this was Apples first rodeo. God forbid you accidently fell back asleep though. You couldn’t even blink without people racing or pushing to get in front of you. The amount of times I was cut really made me question humanity.

And then came the 5 hour stand still. It was treacherous. After finishing my book, I had absolutely nothing to do other than people watch. I discovered a lot about the human race that day.

I discovered…

  • Some women can wear sneaker wedges for eternity (jealous)
  • Some people have no concept of personal space. (I was molested by at 7 people)
  • Most smokers are inconsiderate and glad to blow smoke in your face (gross)
  • People actually smoke hookah at 6AM (yes, WTF)
  • Some people are relentless (rude)
  • 85% of people actually chew with their mouth open (so gross)
  • That if you’re not Jewish you’re not allowed to use the restroom in the Synagogue. =(
  • People love to leave chicken wing bones everywhere (disgusting)
  • And that some people have no conscious (cough cough STUPID LINE CUTTERS)

I honestly felt like I was on an episode of SURVIVOR: THE IPHONE ADDITION. In order to survive you needed comfort, shelter, power, food and most importantly – alliances! At one point, I desperately had to use the restroom. I mean, does Apple expect you to use a catheter or something? Ready to bust, I kindly asked the gentleman behind me to hold my spot, he said, “Sure. For a coffee.” At first I was shocked but my desperation helped me realize it was a fair trade after all. I offered to be his line buddy when I returned; he agreed and I felt relieved to have made an ally. Coffee briber boy couldn’t handle the heat though – after waiting 6-7 hours people started dropping like flies & watching people throw in the towel felt victorious. It made me feel like I was Lance Armstrong winning the Tour De France. As for a line buddy – I met another normal kid who became my pal. SHOUT OUT TO CJ, wherever you are. Thanks for having my back, the gum, and for holding down the fort during my pee breaks dude.

Throughout the day I felt symptoms of schizophrenia. I went through stages of excitement, exhaustion, starvation (the amount of coffee I consumed was truly gastronomically distressing), loneliness, anger, and at one point even found myself questioning my self worth. I then realized how absolutely ridiculous it was to be waiting so long for a phone. Perhaps the protesting hippies shouting, “Love is the answer. Stop buying stuff” were right.

At the end of the day, I ended up waiting a whopping total of 15 hours. If you’re reading this you probably think I’m a bit coo coo bananas but after a certain point; I just came to the conclusion that I had already invested too much time into to quit. I didn’t want to fail.

This story ends with me getting cut off 3 people in front of me. I was so close to victory and instead Apple left me outraged. I felt like I was voted off of the freaking island! The waterwork skills I had learned in acting school were not helpful and the Apple employees showed no remorse (I only cry in desperate situations & it usually works).

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention – I was waiting in line for my boss. I can barely make rent, let alone the stupid iPhone.

The End.

Sam's iPhone 6 Fury (1)

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